Grief

A couple of months ago I read a book called: Empowering Your Child Who Has Special Needs by Debbie Salter Goodwin. I remember buying several books and remember reading this one last, but as I began to read, I knew this one had been the best choice!

One chapter that really helped me as a mother of Isabella was a chapter called "Something to Grieve". Grief is what someone feels when they have lost something.

There is a poem called: Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley where she makes a beautiful analogy that perfectly explains what it meas to raise a child with special needs.

Basically the poem explains how all mothers who give birth to healthy children go to Italy, and those who give birth to a child with disability go to Holland, and in the end although every mother wanted to go to Italy, those who ended up in Holland end up enjoying their trip to Holland as much as they would have enjoyed Italy but in a different way.

I like this part of the poem that says:

"But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I really identify myself with this poem. I remember all the plans I had for Isabella and Marcella, the way I imagined them playing and sharing every aspects of their lives. Suddenly, when I learned about Isabella's disability all the plans I had for them, were gone! I had lost something and that moment marked the beginning of one of the many moments I would experience grief.

In the book Empowering Your Chid Who Has Special Needs, I had something really important to learn. The author says: "Parents of children with chronic issues repeatedly find themselves somewhere in the grief cycle, because they are always losing something".

The grief cycle consists of 1. Loss, 2. Denial, 3. Anger, 4. Guilt, 5. Deppression and finally 6. Acceptance.

The Author says: "What Helps? Sometimes it helps just to acknowledge that you're in a new stage of grief that will not last. Instead of fighting against it, let routine take over. Protect yourself from major decisions or projects. Make it a priority to do one thing that stills your souls, and realigns your focus toward God instead of toward feelings. Ask God to protect you from rehearsing things that deepen sadness, especially things over which you have no control. The sadness, overwhelming feelings, dark-cloud day - whatever you want to call it - usually subsides. You know that you are going in the right direction if the sadness and lethargy are less the nesxt day and even less the next. "

I would like to recall moments in my life where I have found myself in the beginning of a grieving process:

• The day I learned about Isabella's disability.
• The moment I saw her for the first time and was unable to carry her.
• The moment when we took her home for the first time.
• The time on child development:

when she was supposed to sit and we couldn't even prop her up becuase of her kyphosis.

when she was supposed to begin crawling and she was just beginning to sit with some support.

when she was supposed to stand on her own and she needed a stander to stand up.

when she was supposed to start walking and she was not even crawling.

when she reached the age to be potty trained and she was still using diapers.

when she was supposed to begin running and she was maybe just learning to walk with braces.

• The moment when she said to me: "Mommy I don't want to use diapers anymore".
• The first day of school when it is supposed to be an exciting day for any parent, and for me turned out to be one of the most stressful days of my life.

And the list can go on and on and on. In the end, I think that it might be a life of continual losses, which leads to a life of continual challenges. But then, overcoming challenges, bring countless rewarding moments.